Having A Blast
by WHENICOMEAROUND
Summary: A parody of LOST.
1. Having A Blast

DISCLAIMER: LOST belongs to JJ Abrams and all those people at ABC with high authority. I do not own anything. I am simply a fan writing a fictional story based on my favorite show. Hence, FanFiction.

SUMMARY: A parody of LOST.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Just a parody I wrote. I hope you enjoy it. If you like it I may write more.

In my opinion, parodies sort of ruin the show. I mean, LOST isn't really a comedy. So I hope I don't ruin the show for anyone.

AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!

----------------------HAVING A BLAST----------------------

Claire was rocking baby Aaron to sleep. She wondered why she had to name the baby Aaron. Really, she wanted to name it Charlie. But the stupid director wouldn't let her.

Beside her, Charlie talked about this and that. His speech included three "bloody hell"s and two more "sodding"s and a couple of "blimey"s. Claire nodded and smiled and pretended to be paying attention. As it turns out, changing a diaper is a lot of work.

Then someone broke through the vegetation beside her. "GIVE ME YOUR BABY!" the man demanded.

Claire picked up Aaron and patted the back of his head. "Oh, I know who you are! You're one of those Others that nutty French woman is always going on about!"

The Other gave Claire a look. "You're supposed to be afraid of me!"

"I know," said Claire. "But once you've kidnapped me, it isn't so scary anymore. Can you hold Aaron, Charlie? I need to use the dunny."

"But Claire, we're on a deserted island! There aren't any dunnies around here!"

"Oops, I forgot about that. Say, Charlie, why don't we go tell everyone that The Others are coming?"

"All right, love." he was interruped by a ring. "Hold on, there's my cell phone." Charlie took his phone out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Talk to me," he said. The caller spoke. "Can this wait? I'm filming a television show right now." The caller spoke some more. "I'm not Dominic, I'm Charlie! And I'm not supposed to have my phone on the show!" the caller continued to speak. "What do you mean, why does the cell phone work on a deserted island? I'm not really on a deserted island, you numbskull." The caller began to shout. "Oh, blah-blah-blah your sodding needs," said Charlie. He hung up.

"Now, about those others," he said to Claire.

"HELLO?" the Other shouted, waving his arms around. "You're supposed to give me the doll- I mean, the baby- and I run away and Claire cries and that's that! This was NOT in the script!"

"Oh, go kidnap Shannon. Nobody really likes that brat anyhow." said Charlie. "Come on, love." he said to Claire.

MEANWHILE, IN THE JUNGLE...

"Hey, Kate. I need to ask you something." said Jack.

"What's that?" asked Kate, who was walking two feet behind Jack.

"Are you a Jater or a Skater fan?"

"Hmm, I don't really know. How about you?"

"Personally, I think I should get to have some action with you."

"Really? You know, Sawyer is a bit of a jerk. Maybe you're right." Kate said.

"Yes, but if we ever have a Jate episode, please remember we're on camera. We're seeing entirely too much of your tongue on this show."

"Sorry about that, Doc."

"ARE YOU TWO COMING OR WHAT?" Locke hollered from a few feet ahead of them. "THIS NUT KEEPS REPEATING NUMBERS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!"

"That's Hurley," said Jack. "I wonder when he's going to tell us that he won the lottery with those numbers and now he thinks they're bad luck."

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe when Charlie tells us about his drug addiction."

"Yeah, but since I am the doctor, I already knew about Charlie." said Jack smugly.

Kate sighed. "You camera hog. You're in every episode. I wonder if The Others are ever going to kidnap you?"

"No, I don't think so. Because if I were kidnapped, everyone would have to bring their problems to someone else."

"Yes," Kate started to say, but she was cut off by Locke's screaming again.

"LET'S GO, ROMEO AND JULIET! WE'RE ONLY AN HOUR SHOW!"

"Gee, if they'd cut out a few commercials, maybe Alias wouldn't have to start at 8:01 every week!" said Kate. She and Jack began to run, but then, who should appear but...

THE GHOST OF ARZT!

"Stop running," The Ghost Of Arzt said. "you're going to explode like me."

"Sorry, Arzt." said Jack.

"Sorry? SORRY? I explode for you people and you say SORRY?" The Ghost Of Arzt was furious.

"Hey, if you weren't so annoying, you wouldn't have exploded!" Jack retorted.

"YOU WANNA MESS?" The Ghost Of Arzt demanded.

"YEAH!"

Kate began to chant. "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

Arzt hit Jack across the face. Jack moaned, "Oh!" and fell back. He held his bleeding nose.

"Jack! Jack! Are you all right?" Kate squealed.

"I'm okay, Kate," said Jack all manly. "I'm a doctor."

The Ghost Of Arzt exploded and left Kate and Jack all alone.

BACK AT THE BEACH...

Shannon flipped the page of her fashion magazine. When was she gonna get some action with that weirdo creature that lived in the jungle? All she ever got to do was sit around and cry about Boone.

"Psst. Shannon!" someone walked by and whispered. "You're supposed to be crying about your brother."

"Oh, that pretty boy? I am so totally over him. Now I'm onto that Middle Eastern soldier guy. He's hot."

The Speaker sighed. "Do you know his name?"

Shannon bit her lip. "Wait, don't tell me... it's Sam, right? No, that isn't it. No, is it... oh, wait. It's Saddam, right?"

The Speaker began to talk like a game show host. "LET'S PLAY... CAN SHANNON REMEMBER THE NAMES OF THE GUYS SHE MAKES OUT WITH?"

The Speaker whipped out a card. "First question-"

"WAIT! I KNOW!" Shannon cried, buzzing her buzzer thing. "It's Sayid, right?"

"CORRECT!" The Speaker said.

Shannon smirked and picked up her fashion magazine again. "I knew it."

WHILE OUT AT SEA...

Sawyer was standing on the remains of the raft with his shirt off. I am so incredibly sexy, he said to himself, smirking. I am so hot.

"Put a shirt on, Sawyer," said Jin. "You're making me look fat."

"Hey, you aren't supposed to speak English." said Sawyer. He looked around. "Where's Michael?"

Jin looked around too. "Oh, he's right there." he pointed beside the camera, where Michael was standing, talking to a group of girls.

"So I says to the mayor, 'mayor', I says!" he said. The group of girls giggled hysterically.

"HEY, MIKE!" yelled Sawyer. "Get over here! You're supposed to be crying about Walt!"

"Oh, that's right." said Michael. He jumped into the water. "Waa-a-lt," he began to moan. He looked up. "Hey, Sawyer. Put a shirt on, will you? You're making me look bad."

"What is it with you not-so-incredibly-sexy actors these days?" Sawyer grumbled. He put a shirt on. "Happy?"

"Your tan is so totally fake," said Michael, sounding like a preppy girl.

"Yes, it, like, so totally is," Jin agreed.

Sawyer made a face. "Well, I'm a MANLY MAN!" he said, busting out his chest, then his shirt ripped. "Oops." He looked out on the horizon. "Say, isn't that those Others that took Walt?"

Michael put his face in his hands. "Waa-a-lt!" he cried some more.

The boat pulled up. "We've come for the boy." They said.

"Sorry, you're too late." said Jin.

"Then we want Sawyer. He is incredibly sexy. We can sell him on Ebay." The Other Others said.

Sawyer put on his shirt again and puffed out his chest. It ripped more. "Oh, damn it!" he said.

"Get into the boat, Sawyer!" Jin said. "The Other Others are taking you away."

"All right. Don't get your panties in a tangle." He jumped into the boat. "Okay, drive away now."

A/N: Hope you liked it! 


	2. Having A Blast Ch 2

A/N: Sorry about the wait. I've been trying to keep up with my stories but it's Finals Season at school and tomorrow is the regents, so I've been doing a lot of studying. I'm glad you guys like it. Hope this chapter is good!

----------------------HAVING A BLAST----------------------

"So I says to the mayor, 'mayor', I says!" Michael said again. The group of girls giggled yet again.

"Oh, Michael, you're so funny," one of them said.

Michael puffed out his chest. "I know." Then he said the mayor thing again.

"Enough with the damn mayor already!" said Sawyer irritably.

"Hey, I thought the Other Others kidnapped you!" said Michael.

"No, they didn't want me." he sniffled, then began to sob. "I wasn't incredibly sexy enough for Ebay."

"That's too bad," said Michael.

"I think you're incredibly sexy, Sawyer," said Jin, desperate for some attention from the camera. Michael and Sawyer looked at him. Jin's face reddened.

"Never mind," he said.

MEANWHILE, ON THE BEACH...

Claire plucked the wrong string once more. "Darn it!" she said.

"It's all right, Claire," said Charlie, whose ears were aching from Claire's bad guitar playing.

"Oh, Charlie. You play." said Claire, handing him back his guitar.

"All right," he said. "This one's going out to a little lady named Claire." he smiled at her. She smiled back.

"The farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell..."

Aaron began to cry.

"Well, I'd like to see you try, TURNIP HEAD!" Charlie said.

Aaron continued to cry.

"Make him stop crying, Charlie!" Claire cried.

"No." said Charlie stubbornly, crossing his arms. "He insulted me."

"He's only a baby, Charlie! Please, make him stop crying!"

Charlie sighed. "Oh, all right." he said. He picked up the baby and began to make faces.

"Who's a stinky little turnip head?" Charlie said in a babyish voice. "Who won't keep his mouth shut?"

Aaron cried louder.

Claire was bent over a box, looking for something. She stood up. "Charlie, we're all out of mangos."

"I suppose I should go get some?"

"Yes, please."

Charlie handed Aaron back to Claire. He set off into the jungle.

"Hey, Claire?"

"Yeah?"

"What's a mango?"

"I don't know. But it says right here in the script for me to say 'Charlie, we're out of mangos'."

"Oh," said Charlie. "Well, if the script says so..." He set off again.

WHILE OUT IN THE JUNGLE...

As they walked, Hurley whistled "Tiptoe Through The Tulips", Locke looked up at the sky every now and again and said, "Yup, any minute now.", and Jack pestered Kate.

"So what's it like? Killing someone?" Jack pestered.

"Eh, it's all right. Robbing a bank is a lot more fun, though." Kate replied. "Hey, guys?" she said to the group at large. "How come we're still in the jungle? Didn't we already blow the door off the hatch?"

"Yeah!" said Locke. "Let's go back to the hatch and see who's stupid enough to climb down there and see what it is!"

"Sounds like a plan to me," said Jack. "And since I'm the doctor," he looked around, making sure everyone was paying attention to him. "what I say is best."

Hurley snorted. He continued to whistle "Tiptoe Through The Tulips".

Jack glared at him. "What was that, Hugo?"

"Nothing." said Hurley.

Jack advanced on him. "YOU'RE INSULTING MY MEDICAL TRAINING!" Jack yelled. He turned around and pointed at Hurley. "KATE! Make him stop!"

"Hurley, stop insulting Jack's medical training." said Kate, not really paying attention.

Locke cleared his throat, looked up at the sky, and said, "Yup, any minute now."

"What are you going on about?" Hurley said to him. Jack crossed his arms and made a pouty face. "Oh, grow up," said Hurley to Jack, who replied by sticking his tongue out at him.

"Yup, any minute now." said Locke again.

"Can we please get over to the hatch already?" said Kate irritably.

"Yes, let's," said Locke. He looked at the sky again. Kate, Jack, and Hurley joined him in saying, "Yup, any minute now."

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CAVES...

Sun approached Claire, who was rocking her baby. "How's Pumpkin Head?" asked Sun cheerfully.

Claire glared at her. "It's Turnip Head. Geez, Sun. Get your vegetables right."

Sun looked up at the sky and said, "Yup, any minute now."

Claire looked skyward, too. "What's going to happen any minute now?"

Sun didn't respond. She just gazed at the heavens once more and said, "Yup, any minute now."

Claire stood up and patted baby Aaron's big turnip head. She looked up at the sky and repeated Sun: "Yup, any minute now."

WHILE IN THE JUNGLE...

"Damn it! What does a ruddy mango look like, anyway?" Charlie said to himself. He gazed at the treetops, as if a sign would point him in the right direction.

And who should rear their ugly head once more but...

THE GHOST OF ARZT!

"Charlie," The Ghost Of Arzt moaned. "Charlie..."

Charlie replied to this with, "That's my name, don't wear it out."

The Ghost Of Arzt made a face. "Hey, Sunny Jim. Don't you get fresh with me or I'll send you straight to your room."

Charlie stuck out his chin. "Uh-uh. You aren't my mommy."

"I AM TOO!" The Ghost Of Arzt hollered. "NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Charlie covered his face with his hands and ran off, crying. He yelled back, "Mommy?"

"What?"

"Where's my room?"

The Ghost Of Arzt looked around. "I don't know. Just go somewhere."

WHILE OUT ON THE RAFT...

"Four thousand, nine hundred and fifty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, four thousand, nine hundred and fifty-seven bottles of beer..."

Sawyer had been singing for three hours straight and Jin wished Sawyer's gun hadn't sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Otherwise he would have shot either Sawyer or himself.

Preferably, himself, because Michael would not shut up about the mayor.

"You know," said Jin through gritted teeth. "Could you switch catch phrases for a while and stop talking about the dentist?"

Michael made a face, but he said, "So I says to the plastic surgeon..."

Jin smacked his forehead and wished he hadn't said anything.

A/N: I know this wasn't my best work, but I told you, I've been really busy. If you want to hear more I'll write another chapter. Maybe that'll be better than this, seeing as school will be over soon. :) 


	3. Having A Blast Chapter 3

A/N: I'm BAAAACK! Hope you enjoy this chapter! This was really fun to write.

--------------------HAVING A BLAST--------------------

Charlie gazed at all the treetops, but for the life of him he could not tell what a ruddy mango looked like.

"Arzt?" he called. "ARZT!"

"What do YOU want, Charlie?" boomed Arzt.

Charlie jumped. "You're a science teacher, right?"

"Was, before I died. You rock stars have no respect to ghosts."

Charlie tapped his foot impatiently. "Uh-huh. Well, what does a mango look like?"

"A mango? Sorry, Charlie, I don't know."

Charlie exploded with rage. "WHERE'S MY AGENT?"

Charlie's agent came running onto the set. "What's wrong, Charlie?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT A BLOODY MANGO LOOKS LIKE!" Charlie cried.

"Well... here, here's a prop mango. Just makes sure Claire doesn't bite into it."

Charlie said, "Thanks, Agent."

WHILE OUT IN THE JUNGLE STILL...

They were almost at the hatch and all four castaways were ready to kill at least one of the others- Kate hated Jack for being a pest, Jack hated Hurley for insulting his medical training, Hurley hated Locke for calling him "Hugo", and Locke hated Kate because he thought she wanted to kill him.

"So I says to the mayor," said Jack to Kate for the nintieth time. " 'Mayor', I says!"

Kate turned around and smashed her lips up against Jack's. She then attempted to stick her tongue down his throat.

When she finished, Jack said, "What was that for?"

Kate shrugged. "I don't know. It works in the movies."

Hurley resumed whistling "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" and said nothing. Locke sighed.

"Okay," said Locke. "We're here."

Everyone looked around. The hatch was exactly where it had been.

"I'm going down there." said Jack, puffing out his chest. "because I'm the doctor."

"No, Jack. I think you should stay up here. I'm going down." said Locke.

"No, I'm going down there because Jack never lets me do anything worthwhile and he says it's because he's the leader and everyone expects him to do the dangerous stuff but it's really because he's in love with me and he doesn't want me to get hurt otherwise he'll cry, and doctors never cry." said Kate simply. Everyone looked at her.

To Jack she said, "I read your diary. And I've never had such nice compliments on my butt, thanks."

Jack said, "You're welcome." and puffed out his chest importantly. "We doctors see a lot of butts, but none as nice as yours, Kate."

Kate smiled.

Locke turned to Hurley. "How about you? You want to risk your life too?"

Hurley said, "Dude. I can't fit in the hole."

"We'll draw straws." said Locke, his answer to all.

Kate looked at Jack.

"Only if HE promises not to cheat again."

Jack stuck out his tongue. Kate made a face.

"I've got a better idea!" said Hurley.

"What's that?" said Jack.

"TRIBAL COUNCIL!" Hurley yelled, jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

"Okay, it's time to vote."

Jack whispered to Kate, "What's wrong with him?"

Hurley gave Jack a look of disbelief. "Dude. You never watched Survivor before?"

Jack shook his head and puffed out his chest. "We doctors don't have much time to watch reality TV. We are too busy saving lives." he glanced to his left to make sure Kate was looking at him. Locke rolled his eyes.

Hurley just said, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. It's time to vote."

So they voted. Once they finished Hurley picked up the vote-holder thing and said;

"Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted to go into the hatch will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediantly." Hurley looked around. "I'll read the votes.

"First vote," he said, opening the piece of paper. "Kate."

Kate stood up and punched the air like a champion. "YEAH! Score one for the home team!"

"Sit down and stop acting like you won," said Hurley. Kate's cheeks reddened and she sat down.

"Second vote," said Hurley. "John Locke.

"Third vote," Hurley said, opening the paper. "Jack."

Jack puffed out his chest importantly.

"And the last vote," said Hurlely. "John Locke."

Jack and Kate looked furious. "Him? HIM!"

Hurley glared at them. "Sit down!" he yelled.

Jack and Kate sat down, frozen.

"Bring me your torch." said Hurley. "It's time for you to go."

"What torch?" said Locke.

Hurley sighed impatiently. "Just... pretend." Under his breath, he mumbled, "Leave it to the hit-man to try and ruin the moment."

"Oh. Okay." said Locke. He brought his pretend torch up to Hurley and Hurley extinguished it.

"Your tribe has spoken." said Hurley. Locke climbed down in the hatch.

WHILE BACK AT THE BEACH...

Shannon rolled over on her beach towel. She was bored. There was nothing for a girl to do on this island unless you had a baby like Claire or were adventureous like Kate.

Just then, Sayid walkd by.

"SAYID!" she yelled.

He turned. "What is it?"

She stood up. "I'm bored. Do you have any more of that French nut's papers for me to translate?"

"No, but we've found some in Latin. Can you read Latin?"

Shannon shook her head sadly. "Nope, sorry."

Sayid began to walk away.

"HEY!" Shannon yelled.

Sayid turned. "What now?" he grumbled.

Shannon pointed at his shoulder, horrified. "You've got some... Arzt... on you."

"Oh," said Sayid, blushing slightly and brushing the Arzt away. "Right. Thanks." He turned to walk away again.

"SAYID!" Shannon called. She got up and fell into step beside him. "Why was there Arzt on you?" she demanded.

"Well, uh..." Sayid stuttered, wringing his hands.

"You think he's prettier than me, don't you?" said Shannon dramatically. Sayid continued stuttering. Shannon turned and said with even more drama, "Fine. Just go be with Arzt. I'LL just stay here and tan some more. REALLY, I DON'T MIND!" She left.

WHILE OUT ON THE RAFT...

"Hey, guys?" said Jin.

Sawyer and Michael glared at him. They had been gossiping cheerfully and sitting on a piece of charred raft.

"What do YOU want?" said Sawyer nastily.

"Um, do either one of you have any idea of how to get back to the island?"

Michael and Sawyer thought.

"'I've got it!" said Sawyer. "I'll use the glow from my incredibly sexy body to reflect the sun, then a boat will see it and come rescue us." he crossed his arms in a "Ha" sort of fashion.

"Well, I've got an even BETTER idea!" said Michael excitedly. Jin and Sawyer looked at him. Michael remaing silent.

"Well?" said Sawyer.

"What is it?" said Jin.

Michael shrugged. "I don't have an idea. I just wanted to be on camera for a little while."

Jin and Sawyer glared.

"Okay," Michael mumbled. Then he screwed up his face and sobbed, "W-A-ALT!"

Sawyer rolled his eyes. "Damn Walt, that's all he ever talks about." Jin nodded in agreement. 


	4. Tweety Bird Boxer Shorts

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was debating over coming back to this story or not- I already have so many- but I got this idea and had to write it. Hope you like it!

AUTHOR'S NOTE1: This is one of those Annoying Remembering Sequences that always happens in the middle of an action-packed scene when you least want them to. Her goes nothing...

DISCLAIMER: Once again, I do not own LOST or anything remotely like it. Except maybe these Fan Fictions.

-HAVING A BLAST-  
-BY WHENICOMEAROUND-  
-CHAPTER FOUR-

Lying on his deathbed, Boone was thinking just one thing: "Just let me die already. Stop making me suffer."

"Jack..." he croaked. It sure was fun being dramatic.

Jack bent down over Boone. "Hey."

"Let me go, Jack." Boone moaned. "Let me go..."

"Sorry Boone, I can't do that. See, if I do, Kate will think I am a loser of a doctor and I can't save lives. And loser doctors aren't incredibly sexy."

"Yes, you're right. Loser doctors aren't incredibly sexy. But I am. Even when I'm dying."

"Eh, I don't know, I'm straight, for the most part. But I think Sayid has taken a liking to you." Jack remarked.

"Oh," Boone blushed. "Let me go, Jack..." he croaked.

"Eh," said Jack. He tapped his chin, like he was thinking about it. "Okay."

"All right," said Boone. He prepared to say his big finishing line. "Tell Shannon... tell Shannon... tell Shannon..."

"Let's hurry it up here, Boone, I haven't got all day," said Jack. He tapped his foot impatiently.

"Oh, okay. Tell Shannon that the key to the secret trapdoor is wrapped in my Tweety Bird boxer shorts that she gave me for my birthday."

"What?"

"The key to the secret trapdoor is wrapped in my Tweety Bird boxer shorts that Shannon gave me for my birthday," Boone repeated slowly and clearly. For a doctor, Jack sure was slow.

"Oh," said Jack, like it make perfect sense. "Right. Yeah. Okay, goodbye, Boone."

"Later days, Jack," said Boone. Then he died. 


End file.
